Tag: lifestyle

Zaire’s Den

It all feels so real now. We are officially 37 weeks today and the nursery is complete! Putting this space together will forever be one of my most special memories. Every time I walk into this room, all I feel is pure joy. I feel so grateful that I was able to create such a warm, nurturing and peaceful environment for my son where we can cherish so many of his first experiences in this space as a newborn.

Earlier today, I went into his room, sat on the floor and meditated- truly focused on connecting with my sweet boy as I envisioned a calm, confident and peaceful natural birth. I felt so grounded and at peace afterwards and that is the exact vibe I wanted for this room when I envisioned the space. As you can see, neutrals were definitely at the top of the color palette. I wanted to keep things warm, modern and minimal with a hint of boho. Given his room has a water view, I really wanted to keep the peacefulness that water brings to a space. 2022 is the year of the tiger, so a safari animal theme felt fitting. I didn’t go too crazy with the décor, just put up enough to bring the space together. Nesting mode was in full force this past week and I am so happy with how it turned out. My vision came together perfectly!

If you need me, I’ll be here until he arrives; daydreaming of reading him bedtime stories, rocking him to sleep each night and all of the floor and tummy time dates!

p.s: items linked below! 🙂

It’s so Wild & Magical to be a Woman

Happy New Year! I took in the last week of the year and the first week of the new year to literally just be. To purely exist and be present. It felt so good to hit the pressure release button and let go of the f*$ked up mentality that is the need to always be doing something. I binged on Netflix, I slept in, I literally had no plan for my days and didn’t feel the least bit guilty- even when it came to cleaning or doing laundry. I just did things as I felt like it without demanding anything of myself. When was the last time you did anything or nothing at all purely for the sake of enjoyment?

As I approach my last 10 weeks (maybe less depending on when he’s ready to make his appearance) of pregnancy, it’s starting to sync in that I’ll never be this version of myself again. So why would I not take this time to myself to literally just be myself? This current self. The last few weeks, I feel like I’ve been able to let go of the reigns- trust in my team to get things done at work, rely on my husband and trust that he’s got things under control. I never really noticed it until of course Justin pointed it out to me more- but I can be a bit controlling in some ways. Always confirming, double checking things, asking questions…mostly for reassurance. If I’m in the passenger seat, not realizing it, I’d speak up “you’re going the wrong way”, “oh, there’s a parking spot”, “why wouldn’t you just take this exit?”- subconsciously thinking my way is more efficient or right. The more Justin has brought it to my attention, the more mindful I’ve been trying to be about just letting go and trusting him in the most simplest form of getting us from point A to point B which has translated to other parts of our relationship. As I’ve been doing so (and while not always easy), it’s actually helped me more to just be. To be present and just exist. My brain less saturated, shoulders less tense, my jaw loosened and my breathing deepened and calmed.

This is the space I feel all women and especially expecting mamas deserve to be in. As women, we carry this underlying pressure to always be the hardest working person in the room. To hustle, to get more done in a day and sleep less, to look presentable and professional at all times, to be able to be successful at work while also balancing life, relationships, kids, and maintaining our own sanity. When is there ever a time to just be? I’m a firm believer in we make time for the things, people, events, moments that are important to us. Why can’t that also include a time to do absolutely nothing? These last few weeks have enabled me to be so present with Zai- his growth and his movements and just taking time to talk to him, with Justin- watching movies, eating at the table together or going on random adventures, with family- laughing, talking, eating good food and with myself- sleeping in, taking more naps, meditating in bed, indulging in bad tv and desserts or even just simply breathing. There is no stress that is being put on myself or my baby, there is no urgency to be doing things, no expectations, no pressure- just peace.

I love this space for me and Zai so much. As I prepare these next 2 months to give birth to my son (unmedicated), I also realized that I’m also preparing to re-birth myself. It has me thinking of all the rebirths I’ve already had in my lifetime and how this one will be the most life changing to date. Just as my baby will be born, I will also be born a mother. I think about what my mind and body will require and endure- the pain, the mental clarity, the patience, the perseverance, the calmness, the courage, the selflessness, the grace, the overwhelming rush of emotions, the consciousness I will reach, the woman in me that will die (the woman who would go for anything without a second thought) only to be reborn again as a mother (the selfless, courageous, strong woman who will have her heart outside of her body and do anything in the world to keep it safe and loved). What a beautiful undertaking that we as women get to experience. Women or not, we all deserve peace. What are you doing today to create that for yourself?

25 Days Left of 2021

Another Gratituesday here for you and we are officially in the last 25 days of the year! Christmas is around the corner, tax season (the real holiday season) is almost upon us, and it’s the time where we reflect on the last 12 months before manifesting for the new year to come.

We all felt the wrath of 2020 and I’m sure many of us were reluctant to go into 2021 with high hopes or positive attitudes considering where we were as a country at the end of 2020- myself included. However, all things considered, while 2021 had its challenges, aches and pains- it also had joy, success and so much emotional growth. That’s it- this year was the year of emotional growth! Thank goodness for therapy- it really got me through the first half of the year. At a time when I was doubting myself, my worth, who I was- it gave me tools and a shoulder to lean on while I did the work to show up for myself again- it helped me not lose myself, if you will.

A few of my major takeaways; learning how to effectively speak up for myself (keyword being effectively and mainly in my personal relationships), learning how to set healthy boundaries (something that wasn’t always modeled for me growing up), how to express my feelings and emotions and address it (I was the avoider- I’d literally have a freeze response, shut down and go mute), really listening to understand vs. listening to respond (I try to be so mindful of not interrupting people when they are speaking and being more inquisitive), actually crying when I feel like crying (this is more pre-pregnancy hormones because now I cry over every @thedodo post I see), verbalizing my wants and needs, and really being able to take a step back, breathe and reassure myself when I’m feeling triggered or abandonment anxiety. Constantly being tested internally and facing head on all of the things that came my way this year has manifested positively in so many ways; I received a promotion at work, we got pregnant, I started writing again and re-launched my blog and I married my best friend! We finally got our wedding photos and I came across the one above and just felt so connected to my spirit in this photo- it’s genuine happiness and that’s all I really felt in that moment and even now as I am typing this.

Feeling extra grateful for 2021 and so excited for 2022! Baby Zai will be here in just a few months (his expected due date is two days before my birthday- my Aries baby!), motherhood, parenthood, all the new things! Cheers to 2021 (with mocktails of course) and talk soon!

A New Weekly Series

j.hunt photography @jay_hnt

I woke up in the middle of the night tossing and turning (again)– I looked at the clock at it was 3:26am. I turned over and saw that Justin was awake too. Half asleep, I said “You can’t sleep either?” he replied “no.” and then I followed up with a big sigh. He then said “turn over and I’ll rub your back for you” and he did…until I fell back asleep. Both of us so tired, both of us with full schedules to tend to just a few hours later and he chose to sacrifice some of his sleep for me and Zai. I woke up again at 7am and felt so rested. I got up to stretch and meditate and throughout my meditation, I couldn’t help but feel so much gratitude for Justin and the man and husband that he is. My heart felt so full. Even with him not around, I felt safe. Protected. Loved.

I think back to the days I used to fantasize about what a healthy and happy relationship would look and feel like- the days I’d feel so alone and have thoughts of ending up alone, eventually settling or just be forever searching for more. The days that I used to hit up old flings to fill whatever void or mask any emotion I was feeling that day or even just to feel needed or wanted. I had no real desire to be in company with any of those guys but would do it anyway in hopes of feeling something- a connection, a spark, genuine laugher, anything– they would leave and still I’d feel nothing. I had this emptiness that kept me holding on for dear life to something that I knew deep down wasn’t for me. It was the most toxic and unhealthy cycle that I put myself through for the better portion of my twenties and it just continued to feed my insecurities making them bigger and bigger. Until a few days after I had turned 29, I literally looked myself in the mirror and couldn’t stand to acknowledge who I was staring back at. I knew I was better. I knew I wanted better. I knew I deserved better. So why didn’t I have better?

Everything that I was feeling inside was a direct result of me not CHOOSING better. I was journaling, saying my affirmations, practicing gratitude, I had routines, I was working out, I was eating healthy, I had a great job that I was still very much progressing at- and I held on to all of that. “I’m doing all of this stuff and I’m still in the same place. WHY!?” It was because even with all the positive behaviors, I was still allowing in toxic behaviors and toxic relationships. There is no way to get better when we are still choosing toxicity. There is no way to do both. They will always cancel each other out and you will continue to remain in the same place. I was so tired of feeling misunderstood, feeling small and belittled. I was done feeling like I needed someone or something to fill a void or to feel validated. It was then that I chose let all of the negative go. The self pity. The limiting beliefs. The doubt. It was then that I chose to face my shadows head on. It was then that I chose me. I looked at myself in the mirror and said “I AM better than this.” It was then that everything began to shift, but it was only the beginning of the work that I was really beginning to take on.

I finally put and end to a very long, toxic relationship and I really started to evaluate my life. What were my current relationships like with my friends and my family? What was my home like? Did my routines need some adjustments? Was I really giving my job my all? What immediate changes could I make? I started focusing. I started really believing in myself, really believing that I was deserving, really believing I was capable, really believing that I was worthy. We will have so many turning points in our lives- I had a major rock bottom turning point at 25, and another major eye opening turning point at 29. Here I am, 2 years later 31 years old, and so much has manifested all in the right timing. I am so so so grateful. It took so much work for me to get to this point in my life, for Justin and I to get to where we are in our relationship, and for me to be in the space that I am as I reach yet another turning point in my life in not only becoming a wife, but my most important role yet, a soon-to-be mama to Zaire. And it all started with making a choice to really see and be honest with myself. To look myself in the mirror and have grace for myself. To release the shame, the guilt and the anger. To understand where I was, where I wanted to be and who I knew I could be. It started with choosing myself, again and again and again. If we are not whole within ourselves, how are we ever able to give or be present for anyone else in our lives? You know that saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”? It’s true! So here is your reminder to remember where you once were and evaluate where you are right now. If you want more- go for it! You are deserving. You are capable. You are worthy of all that you desire. It is already yours. Believe it.

Want to hear about what happened when I really started to believe in myself? Stay tuned.

xo,

We Hired a Doula!

I am so thankful and fortunate to say that I have had a very smooth pregnancy so far. In the first trimester, I had nausea only after I ate for only about 2 weeks and the extreme exhaustion really only lasted for about 2 weeks as well. By week 9, I was back to feeling like myself. From there, my energy and appetite came back, I was working out again and able to get through my whole work day which if you read my earlier posts, you know that’s what I was most worried about. I’m 22w1d as of today and honestly I’m still feeling really good. *knocks on wood* I wake up consistently around 6:45-7am, stretch 2x a day- morning and night, my appetite hasn’t changed i.e. no crazy cravings or food aversions, no major pains, and I’m sleeping fairly well (in bed by 8:30-9 and will dose off around 10pm). I wake up 1-2x a night usually just to turn over to my other side. I have lingering headaches that come and go and every so often I will feel more sore in the hips or mid back- but nothing that a good massage from the hubs doesn’t fix. He’s been so good to me! I really am so thankful for him and the rock that he has been throughout my pregnancy. In addition to all of that, our doctors appointments have been short and sweet each time. Zaire is healthy and growing at the right pace and I’m healthy and feeling good. Outside of those two major factors, I haven’t given much thought to the relationship we have been building or not building with my OB over the last 5 months. It wasn’t until after our 20 week appointment that Justin posed a few thoughts and questions.

As we were on our way home from our appointment, he says “I’m not really feeling our OB.” and so of course, I asked him what was making him feel that way. He expressed how he was feeling a cold, stand off-ish energy from her and that she just wasn’t very welcoming. I usually always give people the benefit of the doubt, so I responded with “hmm- I haven’t picked up on that much. But, you know, our appointments are only 10-15 minutes long…how much of a relationship can you build with someone in that short of time?” He continued to share his thoughts about this being our first child, his feelings and what he desires and ultimately wanting more support for the both of us. We reached out to his mom who has worked for Kaiser and in pediatrics for several years. She was able to provide insight on what it may look like for doctors now- being that we are still in the middle of the COVID crisis, doctors being overworked and likely overbooked, all which has probably led to them being on auto-pilot day to day. Of course, that is no fault of theirs- I mean, we are in the middle of a pandemic. But it got me thinking. Through out my pregnancy, I’ve had questions, thoughts, concerns and even more so lately, have been feeling overwhelmed by everything that will go into the next few months in preparation for our little man to arrive. I was starting to understand where Justin was coming from and I really am so thankful he followed his gut and spoke up. I don’t think I would’ve thought twice about our doctor or a doula if he didn’t bring any of his concerns to the table.

So over the last week or so, I’ve been researching doulas in the area and set up a few appointments. Last night, we met with an amazing woman over zoom and we instantly clicked! Hearing everything she had to offer, having our feelings validated- it all began to feel exciting all over again to have such a resource and advocate by our side through the remainder of my pregnancy. Knowing we are going to receive so much education over the next few months to be able to make sound decisions about our birth plan, tools and practices on how to prepare my body for birth (as I have been leaning more towards an unmedicated birth), tools and practices for Justin on how he can support himself and me, what our postpartum journey will look like and just have that overall support over the next 4 months was such a breath of fresh air and also a huge weight lifted off of us both.

I have been lucky enough to have so many women in my life extend their hand out offering support and advice. The more I talk to other women and read articles or listen to podcasts, the more I am realizing that no one experience is ever the same. While I am so appreciative to have so many resources to turn to, I’ve mostly kept to myself (aside from sharing here on the blog), not realizing that I have in a way, become protective of my pregnancy and this time I have with Zai. It’s been such a special time and I’ve been very mindful and intentional about the energy and people I surround myself with which I truly believe has made all the difference in the last 5 months.

Watching my body change and grow, feeling Zaire kick and spin and move, learning about him day to day, week to week- I truly have just been basking in this time. I know my pregnancy journey and birth will go exactly how it is supposed to and will very well be unique in its own right. So to have support like a doula, who can unbiasedly lay out all of the information, options, education and support and advocate for us without judgement in the direction that Justin and I would like to go, really is priceless to me. Excited to share more on this journey with you all!

Talk soon!

08.03.2021

You know what is crazy to me…one day you find out your pregnant and immediately just strip yourself of all things good and bad. No alcohol, no weed, no CBD, no deli meats (uh, hello- I love sandwiches!), less caffeine. We have to be mindful of the supplements we’re taking, the foods we are consuming, the types of exercises were doing. We literally have to think twice about everything that was once our normal, especially in the first trimester as it’s such a crucial window of time. We are housing a little bean that is forming organs, cells, body parts and let’s not forget the chance for miscarriage. It’s actually kind of nerve-wracking now that I think about it. Really any one thing could be a potential threat- last week, I was at a meeting for my new property and lunch was ordered for us. Forgetting for a second that I was pregnant, I ate a turkey sandwich and within minutes was silently freaking out. I called Justin panicking and while since then I’ve read that deli meat here and there is actually okay, I still find myself super hesitant to give in to that temptation. To try to avoid those freak-out moments over the last 2 weeks, I’ve been going to good ol’ trusty Google to try to grasp all of the do’s and dont’s. Turns out the internet is completely oversaturated with information and even more overwhelming- I go to read one article that says “don’t jump or do anything that could impact your stomach when it comes to working out”, just to click on the next article that says “continue doing what you’re doing and just be mindful of your heart rate”. It’s all just so much! I keep thinking about hiring a prenatal/postpartum coach. Someone to help guide me in the right direction and answer all of my million and one questions. Someone to literally coach me over the next 8 months to prepare for the day he/she comes into the world. Anyone out there have experience with a coach, midwife or doula? Is it worth it?

All thoughts welcome!

xo-LAH

07.30.2021

Wow it feels so good to be back! Writing again, especially. Over the last 2 years, so much has shifted and changed for me. Molded me in a way that I think has been preparing me for this life changing chapter I am beginning.

When I think about all the blogs I’ve started over the last 14 years- sharing my personal taste in fashion, my thoughts, pouring my heart and sharing my experiences; it always brings me back to why I started. I just love giving back to people- filling people up, sharing, building community, inspiring and making others feel something. I have always been fearless in that way- I just go for it without a second thought but the forefront of my ever growing vision has always been to help people- start conversations and really build community. Growing up, I always had so many friends- I was friends with the athletes, the smart group, the funny people, the shy people, the introverts and the extroverts. I always made it a point to smile and say hi to everyone- make people feel seen in whatever small way I could. My dad used to tell me when I was little- “You befriend everyone- whether they look or act different, always be a nice person.” With that, I always felt the urge to stand up for people and hated when I saw someone alone. This must be the hormones, but I’m getting emotional thinking about it. Just how alone and isolated we feel as kids, teenagers and young adults…shit, even as grown adults. Searching for an identity, wanting to be liked, wanting a sense of community. I’m rambling a bit now- but what I’m getting at is, I’ve been feeling this overwhelming calling to fulfill this vision and I feel like it starts right here- as it always has. So, I’m back- unfiltered, real, raw- nothing is off limits. So without further ado, here we go!

xo, LAH

I AM.

Self-love; mind, BODY and soul. I’m 29 and just scratching the surface of truly exploring each of these areas within myself. Growing into the woman that I am today has been molded by so many different experiences, learning lessons, mental and emotional challenges, realizations and accomplishments. I have struggled for years, maybe even most of my life with insecurities of not being good enough, not doing enough, not looking a certain way, this that and the other. It took a major toll on my mental and drove me to look for love in other people, bury myself in distractions, isolate myself often times, or put a smile on and act like the life of the party other times…anything to get out of my own head. I have always been very self-aware- however there were spurts in time where it was clouded which then ended up turning all those issues into anxiety. It wasn’t until the end of last year, that I had to take a hard look in the mirror. Who am I?

I AM a woman.

I AM a woman of substance.

I AM a woman of power.

I AM a woman of beauty- inside and out.

I AM a woman of strength.

I AM a woman of love, with so much of it to give and the mental and emotional capacity to receive.

I AM a woman with a body, but I am NOT defined by my body.

I AM a woman with a story.

I AM a woman with courage.

I AM a woman with a past, but I am NOT defined by my past.

I AM a woman with passion, compassion and empathy, but I am NOT to be bulldozed.

I AM a woman who has struggled and still struggles from time to time, but I am NOT my struggle.

I AM a woman who is flawed.

I AM a woman who is learning, evolving, breaking cycles.

I AM a woman who is unraveling.

I AM a woman who is healing.

I AM still here.

Earlier this year, I chose me. I chose to dig deep and follow my intuition and listen to my gut for the first time in my life. That decision set the tone not only for this year, but for the rest of my life. It was literally like my whole life flashed before my eyes- and it was then that I knew what I was capable of again. It was then that I was reminded of the power that I hold and the resilience that is instilled in me. It was then that I knew the work within myself was just beginning.

It has now been 6 months since I chose me and I haven’t looked back- I only choose to continue moving forward. My life is evolving is ways I couldn’t have imagined it would be 5 years ago and it was this morning while I was having breakfast that I remembered why I started this blog. I’m on a journey of uncovering myself, of self-discovery, of healing. And I am here to share that story with you all. I am here, so you’re not alone. I am here in my purest form and will continue to write and speak with transparency, intent and love.

With so much love & gratitude,

Allanah

Hello, 29

“The most important gaze you’ll ever be in is your own.” –@garancedore

It’s 7:00 am on Friday, March 29th- I wake up in a panic before realizing I’m not late for work. Otis lets out a big yawn and walks over to me to say good morning. I get up, feed him, open up all the blinds in my bedroom and living room to let in some light, make my bed, make some coffee and sit with my thoughts for a few minutes. I think Otis can sense I’m in a funk..I actually think he has been able to sense it all week.

The last few days I’ve been feeling really down. I don’t know where it came from or who/what caused it. I woke up on my birthday hungover- too much fun I suppose and totally thought it was a case of the hangover blues, until I woke up this morning finding that it’s carried on through this whole week. It’s like 29 brought on this cloud and it’s just keeps raining down on me.

After just sitting and listening to the birds chirp for a few minutes, I realized that at some point in time, I let someone or something steal my energy and spirit and it got the best of me which caused me to spiral into bad habits that I masked with fun and “birthday vibes”. Complete opposite of how I had imagined waking up on my birthday. Again, too much fun.

I tried to recover and keep my spirits up throughout these last few days but things that would normally bring me happiness and peace, just haven’t. Aren’t. My home has felt dull and dark, my sleep is all out of whack and I’ve just been so tired.

This morning, letting in some light and just being. Just listening. Just existing. Brought me a bit of peace again. Is this how I am really feeling? Am I really down and out? Or is this my emotional past trying to recreate itself because I haven’t been able to part ways with it yet? One thing I was able to come to terms with again is that I know who I AM. I know how strong I AM. and I know that my past doesn’t define who I AM today. It’s easy for us to fall back into old habits and it’s easy for past experiences that have left scars on us to creep back up and push us to repeat behaviors. Further causing emotions to be felt over and over because it’s all we have known for so long.

But what brings us back is being aware enough of ourselves. When our minds are racing and emotions are high, being patient with ourselves and taking the time and the effort to calm and refocus our minds.

Let some light in today, listen to the birds chirp and just be.

With so much love & gratitude,

Allanah

Illustration by @garancedore

To my younger self:

“Little girls with dreams become
women with vision.”

It’s that time of year again– your 29th birthday is only a few weeks away. 12 days to be exact. There are reminiscent moments that sit with you in the days leading up to your birthday each year. Happy times, sad times, times of major disappointment and wtf were you thinking moments but mostly now a lot of “wow, look how far you’ve come since last year” moments. You wouldn’t believe me (your 28 year old self) if I told you everything you are going to go through in your teens all the way through your twenties. I want to take you through your future for a quick moment- not to scare you or steer you away from making any of the decisions/choices you will make but just to show you what a dynamic, passionate and independent woman you grow up to be. Today- in present time, you are happy. You are healing. You are confident. You are falling in love with yourself wholeheartedly. You are finding yourself. You are fearless in your exploration through life and your ambition is unmatched. Damn, girl- You are fire.

You will go through experiences and you will be able to talk about them (eventually) and transparency will be your calling. Just to spew off a few and in no particular order- multiple jobs, boyfriends, drama, love, heartbreak, accomplishments, setbacks, partying, dumb mistakes and I mean dumb…one time, you tried to steal a $300 Marc Jacobs wallet from Macy’s and got caught. I think at this point, you’re able to go into the store after several years have now passed- however, you will never step foot in another Macy’s just out of sheer embarrassment. Don’t worry- you don’t have a record. You looked up/hired a lawyer, talked him into setting you up on a payment plan because he wasn’t cheap (you grow up to be very good with your words and somehow you always figure it out) and you end up having to do 40 hours of community service. You as a 28 year old today, can shockingly get a laugh out of it, but I’m sure you (your younger self) are shaking your head at me. I still can’t pinpoint why stealing was even a though, let alone why you thought you were going to get away with that- you had never shoplifted a day in your life but you sure went big for your first attempt. Young and dumb.

2004: You get your first boyfriend. You’re 13. He’s two years older than you and you meet him the summer before your freshman year- you fall so hard for him. You didn’t actually know what love was at 13. Puppy love, maybe? You guys get together- then he breaks up with you because he’s “too busy with football” *rolls eyes*, then decides he likes you again and you guys get back together. You lose your virginity to him NYE 2005. Oh, you also make the varsity softball team your freshman year and you end up being a starter which is a major goal of yours at 10 years old. A few other goals are getting a scholarship to UCLA, meeting Lisa Fernandez and going to the olympics- one thing is for sure, you are and will always be a dreamer.

The rest of high school is pretty interesting…

2006: You get a new coach your sophomore year, who pretty much has it out for you and is going to bench you for no reason other than she doesn’t like you. You actually will never see the bench until your sophomore season. This is a very crucial learning moment for you- your pride will take a hit, your confidence will be squashed and your passion for the game will start to dwindle but this learning moment will begin to build a lot of character in you. You turn 16 that year- you get your license and dad gives you his Mercedes. You get your first job at Jamba Juice. You meet your first real love that March- you two hang out a few times and then don’t talk much the rest of the year. You quit Jamba Juice after 3 months because traveling for softball becomes too much (little do you know, you actually have 19 other jobs to follow). Honey passes away . Everything changes. You and the fam end up moving back into the house on Carryback because Papa moves back to Guam.

2007: You wreck the Mercedes. Funny enough- this is the first of several car accidents you will be in (I think you are currently up to 8?) Luckily you have amazing friends who will pick you up for school every morning and drop you off at home every day while your car is in the shop. You actually have really awesome friends in high school. House parties are a thing. You and your first love start talking again…he’s 4 years older than you. You fall super hard for him. This love hurts. This love is hard. This love is confusing. This love will teach you many lessons. This love is real. You get cheated on. You stay with him.

2008: You will apply to many colleges. You get accepted to SJSU. You think you’re done with softball. You accept a partial softball scholarship to the Academy of Art University. You will graduate high school. You will move to San Francisco, live in the dorms, and play D2 college softball. You first will major in interior design, then switch to fashion design, then switch again to broadcast journalism. Then you will drop out and move back home.

2009-2012: Brace yourself- you’re going to blink and these years will be over and done with. You probably already know this about yourself, but you’re an overachiever. In 3rd grade, you will forget to do your book report over winter break, you panic but manage to read the whole book and write the whole report the night before and get an A plus praise in class when your teacher decides to read your report aloud to everyone. Because you will have dropped out of art college- you don’t have any credits and essentially will be behind a whole semester. Being the overachiever you are, you will take it upon yourself to go to take classes at multiple junior colleges to catch up on credits and then some, try to keep playing softball before quitting again for good (yes, you will regret this decision for a few years and you will constantly have dreams about playing well into your mid twenties).

You turn 21. You eventually will transfer to SJSU- take 16 units a semester, while working 5:00 AM shifts, 30+ hours a week at Starbucks. You will graduate with a BA in Communication Studies in 2012, you and your first love will break up. You will not have another boyfriend again- but there will be many boys. You will move to Los Angeles for an internship which you end up hating. You will quit, and then get a cool job at Shoe Dazzle (you already know you have a knack for fashion, writing and creativity…I’m pretty sure right now, your dream job is to be a fashion designer. You love watching Honey sew.) You will even have two blogs in high school and college- “The L Word” and “Pumps & Platforms”. It is only right your first “real job” out of college is in shoes. You get a customer service position- you also hate that, quit and will move back home.

2012-2016: Let’s just say you don’t make it easy on yourself and this is going to be another crucial time in your life. This is your rock bottom. You won’t do anything intentionally during these five years, however, you just don’t happen to think much at all before doing. You just do. This is when your life will take a hardcore detour before you get back on the right path. You will be dumb- hellooooooooo!almost getting a felony?! *rolls eyes*. You will be insecure, mom will leave dad again, you will move out again, you will also move to LA again,and then surprise surprise, you will move back to San Jose again 6 months later only you will not have a home to go back to. You will be in a dark place. You will use drinking as a coping mechanism. You will have friends, then lose/leave friends. You will be alone. You will be broke, you will feel broken, you will live with Aunty Bobby for 6 months. You will start this blog. You will get fired for the first time ever. You will get pregnant at 26. You will have an abortion at 26. You will move to Tracy and live with dad for 6 months. You will be unemployed for a month. You will feel sad, lonely, angry, miserable. You will cry, a lot. But you will also find ways to laugh through it all and you will be so resilient. You will find a fire within you to build yourself back up and you will persevere through.

2017-Now: Things will start to happen for you. Your hard work will begin to pay off and you will start to see that shining light at the end of the tunnel. You will start a career…a real career! You will get your own apartment..after having to commute 120 miles a day from dad’s house to San Jose everyday. You will grow major patience and some real tough skin. You will start to make real money. You will get promoted up multiple times. You will win awards. You will get a dog! You will name him Otis and he is going to change you in so many ways. I can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s saves you in a lot of ways and teaches you so many new things- compassion, trust and unconditional love being the front runners. You and Otis say so long to roommates-yes, you do it. After all of that craziness, YOU’RE STILL DOING LIFE! You will be making it all on your own, in your own home, creating your own space and peace. 2019 is going to be pure magic for you. You will likely still make mistakes- you’re human after all- but you’re smarter this time around and more mindful of who you let into your space and who/what you give your energy to.

I just want to tell you, that through it all, every set back, every obstacle, you will always come out on top and I’m proud of you. At times it won’t feel like it, but you are stronger, smarter and more courageous than you will give yourself credit for. You will be hard on yourself- definitely your own biggest critic. But you’re a force to be reckoned with, you have a huge heart, your energy is infectious and your positivity is unwavering.

Your roaring 20’s are tough- but you will figure it out and you will do amazing things as you close out this chapter in your life. I’ll write to you again soon- cause as you get older, you will get to know that you are anything but ordinary and your life will continue to be an adventure no matter where it takes you.

With so much love & gratitude,

Your 28 (almost 29) year old self